Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD) is a complex condition that combines elements of various personality disorders, including paranoid, schizoid, schizotypal, antisocial, borderline, histrionic, narcissistic, avoidant, dependent, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorders.
It is often shrouded in misconception, but the reality is that it is, in fact, the same condition as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
For individuals with EUPD, regulating emotions is a constant struggle. And all of the above disorders can be experienced at once. There are no middle ground or gradual shifts in emotional intensity; instead, emotions swing between extreme highs and lows; feeling it all or nothing. This means that even small pleasures, such as buying a favourite snack can bring the same level of happiness as a major life event, such as attending a wedding. While minor setbacks such as spilt milk can trigger devastating sadness and feeling of hopelessness similar to losing a job. As a result, forming connections with others is a challenging and delicate process.
The constant struggle to control emotions and the rippling effects it causes, can lead to internalising them, resulting in self-bullying and a perpetual cycle of negative thoughts sometimes leading to self-harm.
Eventually learning how to try to not feel any type of emotion at all, and suppressing them completely to avoid any outbursts and threatening everything that makes life meaningful, becoming completely emotionless. However, this is only a short-term solution. the long-term effects in bottling in emotions can lead to depression, suicidal idealisation and psychosis; and larger uncontrollable outbursts that are evermore damaging.
Ammaar Kasim, IT Network & System Lead for iBC Healthcare shares his experience with living with the diagnosis.
Ammaar explains that living with EUPD is like experiencing one persons weekly emotions within a 20-minute time-frame. The fluctuations of emotions, if expressed could have others feeling as if they are ‘stepping on eggshells’.
Maintaining relationships with EUPD
“When somebody upsets me, even if its over a small situation, because I cannot regulate my emotions, it feels worse than what it is. As a result, I feel the need to make them feel worse than I feel at that moment, I say and do things to intentionally hurt them. At the time, I mean it, but my emotions at the time are too powerful to see the damage. You can go from loathing someone you love, to adoring them within a 20 minute time-frame.”
Choosing to bottle in emotions for somebody living with EUPD feel as its the the only option to be able to function in society. However, this can be perceived as being nonchalant or emotionless when trying to form close connections, but what people don’t realise is this coping mechanism is a survival tactic to keep everything in life afloat.
“If I made a small clumsy mistake at home, It would lead to me feeling as if I am not capable of simple tasks, feeling hopeless and unworthy which spirals into further negative thoughts and feelings leading to questioning my existence in a state of depression that I need to get out of in order to feel okay again.
A small knock could ruin my day, or week. But I also reign in happy emotions because I’ve learnt that happiness is only temporary until it all comes crashing down again when I am having an episode. I struggle to truly value something or someone if I feel its only temporary, no matter how much love or appreciation I have for them. It would be difficult for a partner to understand if I tried to explain it. In fact, its hard for me to understand when I genuinely love somebody, how can they not make me the happiest man in the world, it makes me feel shameful.”
Holding on to grudges and ruminating on past positive situations can be a struggle to let go. Ammarr explains that a past memory can pop into his head randomly and it will remain there for days, whether the memory is good or bad can also determine the type of mood he will experience that week.
Coping mechanisms with EUPD
The lack of, or empty feelings around positive emotion can lead to individuals with EUPD having addictive personalities in order to feel ‘something’ sometimes resulting in drug or alcohol misuse.
Whilst the constant feeling of being out of control, guilt, and shame can create an overwhelming sense of anxiety and paranoia in everyday life. It’s like navigating a minefield in social situations, always worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing. Ammaar relates to this like following social instructions on how to not upset others in everyday social interaction. To cope with these feelings, individuals with EUPD may have attachment issues with fear of abandonment resulting in engaging in people-pleasing and excessive work efforts to avoid hurting others or themselves. Whilst also making impulsive purchases, or other ways to seek external validation to impress others.
“I struggle to set boundaries with people and express how I feel. If a friend or partner was doing something that I didn’t like, I wouldn’t say anything to them in fear that I will upset them. Or it will blow out of proportion because conflict causes emotions that I cannot control.
Eventually, I will lose interest in being friends with them for overstepping boundaries that I haven’t expressed, or feeling emotionally exhausted in the long-haul. Because I tend to go above and beyond, it can be totally exhausting and I begin to resent them for it. But then I question if that is how I feel, that others could feel the same towards me, especially if they’ve experienced one of my episodes and one day they will abandon me so I keep people at a distance to avoid attachment and co-dependency to avoid eventually getting hurt”.
EUPD in the workplace
EUPD also affects professional life, where individuals may overwork themselves due to anxiety about losing their job or not feeling good enough. The “all or nothing” mindset can lead to burnout and a constant sense of stress, whereby stress can enhance the experience of various personality disorders formed within EUPD. And the constant paranoia in the outside world can eventually begin to seep into life indoors, even if the person is living alone.
“This is why I work with computers, because there are less social interactions meaning its less exhausting, and I can understand computers without having to navigate through emotions”.
Diagnosis and Long term effects of EUPD
The long-term effects of anxiety and internalised emotion without the right support can lead to paranoia and psychosis.
Perhaps the most concerning aspect of EUPD is that it is often not diagnosed until the symptoms or damage is at its peak. The constant battle with oneself and unintentional hurt caused to others can have devastating effects on mental health. Stress can also exacerbate existing personality disorders, potentially leading to psychosis.
“I called the ambulance a total of 30 times in a space of 3 months before I was taken seriously and was assessed for a diagnosis, at this point everybody I loved was at breaking point and I was losing them all one-by-one.”
It is essential to recognise the complexities of EUPD and the need for understanding and support. By shedding light on this misunderstood disorder, we can work towards creating a more compassionate and accepting environment for those affected by it.
Having spent years questioning his diagnosis and existence, Ammaar recognises that EUPD and the anxiety around social situations has formed him to be an incredibly empathetic person, and he can read people and situations very well, with his logical thinking he knows how to step in to diffuse or help the best way possible. He can sense other peoples emotions, pick up on body language and quickly understand how a person functions. Ammaar has learnt that despite the difficulties in living with EUPD, there are positive attributes that benefit other people that makes him stand out from others. With the ability to quickly learn somebody more in-depth, and willingness to go above and beyond to help allows people to place a lot of trust in him. Ammaar is on a journey to learn how he can utilise his superpowers in a positive way to give back to society.
Thank you Ammaar for sharing your story of your struggles with EUPD, it is very honourable for you to be so brave, continue to #DoAmazingEveryday.
iBC are pleased to introduce Wimblebury, our newest development in Cannock.
A Mental Health service recovery pathway supporting people with complex care needs associated to Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD).
Wimblebury is a robust setting offering 4 single occupancy apartments with own front doors. Each apartment includes 1 bedroom, own kitchen, lounge and wet room. Wimblebury comprises of a large communal garden which is not overlooked along with ample off-road parking with secure gates. Set within a rural location but not isolated, which is close to various amenities and main travel networks.
With an internal psychologist available, this service provides person centred training and positive coping strategies supporting people to live in non-clinical environments.
